The Art of Opening Up

I've never been good opening up or being put on the spot about my life or my feelings. I mean, even with this blog it's been a struggle and only strangers read this. I guess I never fully got into my own head. I know it's good to eat healthy and I know it's bad to do drugs.  I got that, but I never really went any further.
I'm not super good at making friends or being that person that someone meets for the first time and they just love me. I'm usually the one it takes a while to get to love. Or get to know good enough to even decide if I am worth loving. I usually have a lot to say, but never say it out loud. I see more that I let on ,and I know way more than you think.
Being married has had a positive affect on me. I have to be open with my husband. He knows me so well. Most of the time he has to pry, but I know that with him everything is safe. I am safe. And that's a new place and a great place for me to be. I haven't had too may safe places to hide in people. The fact that I'm actually letting people read my writing is almost like standing naked on a street corner. It's terrifying, but it's freeing. I think I'm doing pretty good at this opening up thing. Maybe. I don't know. Haha.
Here's some random writings on opening up. Enjoy this day.




You're welcome
so many people have told me
that i need to open up
but not a single person
understands that every time
i pry apart my rib cage
releasing all of the butterflies
that they have been hiding there
for years
people are too busy swatting
them away
to realize what i have done
for them.

Opening up

i said,

"i want to jump out of a plane

or off a cliff or maybe

 the edge of the earth.

i want to close my eyes

and step into traffic

or the ocean or maybe

the bed of a stranger"

she said,

"if you're looking to do

something that terrifies you,

why don't you just

open up?"

Honestly

Honestly, I've been struggling lately. I believe in God, and that has not changed. But I have. I've become stagnant. I've been in the same spot spiritually for quite a while. And, though, I'd like to blame this or that, it really is all my fault. 

I shy away from "quiet time" and sometimes even prayer all together. It's because I'm scared. I'm scared that God will tell me to do something radical that I don't feel adequate to do. I'm afraid He'll point out something I need to work on, but that I've hung on to way too tight. I'm worried that I'll fail. That I won't be able to do what he's asked. 

I've struggled with this almost my whole life with my human father. I was never good enough. Never did anything right. And I'm scared to be a failure. Again. Still. In my mind at least. But God is so awesome. He knows I mess up. Way more than I care to admit. 

He shared this verse with me. It gave me something I haven't had in a while. It's a promise and I trust that this is one hat is going to be kept. 

2 Corinthians 1:20-22  
For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ. And so through him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God. Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

My heart broke

One of the hardest things about working in the Emergency Room is not showing emotion when hard things happen. There are other patients to take care of and lots of other things to do. I've had so many experiences when my heart has been broken to pieces for a family or a patient, but there are other patients who could really use a smile even though crying is all my heart wants to do.
I wrote this piece a few nights ago when I was at work and encountered a true tragedy. There was a million things to do and my heart was just about to explode with emotion. When I got home that night, I grabbed my journal and this is what flowed out.

There's still more to do
I feel you stare at me
as I walk away without a tear
in my eye.
I know you just lost
your daughter but now
is not the time for me
to cry.
My heart breaks
but you'd never know.
There's others who need a
smile and some encouragement.
I hear your wails
echo in the halls as your
husband has just passed.
I can't shed a tear
not now.
It's not the time
for me to cry.
He tells her it's cancer
at only 22 and nobody
has a clue what to do.
My heart breaks as
I see her family react to the
news.
We share a hug, but there's
more to do.
I've got to clean this, move her,
take blood to lab, grab a blanket,
do CPR, get his blood pressure.
I don't blink or flinch
all the while
my heart breaks.
The tears flow so easy
now that I'm alone.
You don't see me
cry, in fact you
probably don't think
I have a heart
at all.
I'll never be done.
Never forget your wails
of despair, the looks on
your tired face, the way you looked
when you departed this world at
only 19.
My heart breaks for you
but you'd never know.
There's still so much more to do.

My heart's truth

I've always been so insecure about my writing. I write poetry. Well, It has no rhyme or anything, I prefer to call it my heart's truth. I've decided I'm going to share some of it. Despite it's jumbledness.

Dad
I hope some day
you'll find an old
picture of me 
and you'll still wonder
if I love strawberry milkshakes
more than life itself
or if I still request 
a pinky promise
upon agreement
and maybe you'll
wonder if I wonder
about you.

Heights
She wants to say, "I love you."
but keeps it to, "Goodnight."
because love will mean
someone falling and 
he's afraid of Heights.

White Roses
It's hard not to
fall in love 
with someone
when they see the
mixed up parts of your soul.
When they understand
the darkest and dustiest
corners of your heart.
When it's 4am and
they call because
they know you're
not asleep.

Ruined
I want to change
like the seasons.
I've longed for 
the reasons
why you left so quickly
and made me
feel as empty
as your pockets.
It's not something I
planned for,
thinking you would
go out the door
without a simple 
explanation.
Without a moments
hesitation of how
you ruined me 
for good.

Pieces
Some say people 
are fragile,
easy to break
I must disagree.
I've been cracked
and broken,
but I always
get put back 
together.
Maybe we're 
all broken
then pieced
back together.

I'm sorry
And I'm trying
so hard
to be a good
adult and wife.
I've never done anything 
like this
before.

Sorry if 
I'm emotional
or moody
or I talk 
too much.
I've never
lived with you
before.

I keep forgetting
the Internet bill
and crying in
public seems
to happen 
unexpectedly.

I'm trying
so hard
to be the woman
you fell
in love with.
I've never 
been in love
before.

Sorry if I love 
you too fiercely
but I've never
loved anyone 
so much.

Freedom

I've come to realize that there is so much freedom in putting your trust in God. Once you give everything to him, your worries, your dreams, just everything, you are free. You can live knowing that He is taking care of everything. It's really great to not worry about things because God has it all figured out. 
I'm still struggling with my erythema nodosum, but I know that God is in control. He's got this, and I don't have to worry. I trust Him. I know that He is good. He has blessed me beyond what I deserve, and I am so lucky. He's got things planned for me, I just don't know what that is yet. This verse has been on my mind this week. 

 "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."-Galatians 6:9

Keep doing great things for God's kingdom. Be nice to the person who isn't so nice, be patient even when you're in a hurry, do an act of random kindness. God is watching. Have a great week!

Life is messy

I'm kind of a mess right now. There has been so much loss with the tornadoes that hit in Arkansas, I've been dealing with my own things right now, and I just feel different.
My husband and I were so lucky that the tornadoes missed us. We were laying in bed with our puppy watching Netflix. And, honestly, I feel awful about that. So many people lost everything and I was untouched. Sometimes I feel like God is saving me for something great, but I find it hard to believe. I just don't feel great or like I have anything valuable to offer. But God spared us for some reason. I just can't figure out what for.
One of our dear friends lost everything. She lost her home, her two children, and her and her husband are both in the hospital in serious condition. She is the epitome of God's servant. She is the greatest woman I've known. Give this a read. Your mind will explode from how awesome she is.

http://thehodgepodgedarling.blogspot.com/2014/04/the-cheerleader.html

Here's the deal with me. I've had this condition called erythema nodosum for about  7 years. It's really painful and just a pain in the butt. With this, I usually get this red lumps, hot to the touch, and they are very painful. They usually get bigger the longer I have them. I also get a fever ranging from 99.5-101. It hurts to walk sometimes, to roll over in bed, to bend over, take a shower, etc. I usually get them once a year. Once I notice them starting to pop up I go to a doctor and get some steroids to help with the swelling and then I'm back to normal in a few weeks. They're a very strange thing.

http://www.webmd.com/skin-problems-and-treatments/erythema-nodosum

I have been to the doctor twice for these. I was given the usual medicine, but it didn't work. She we tried a stronger dose. That didn't work. My doctor didn't know what else to do for me so he sent me to a dermatologist. I thought that was a stupid idea. I've been to one before, and they had no idea what was wrong with me.
I had my appointment yesterday, and it went well. The dermatologist took some pictures and asked some good questions. She decided the best way to know what is causing these painful bumps is to do a biopsy. I was nervous, but it made sense to do one. They numbed up one of the spots (which felt great since they've been hurting so much!), and took a part of the skin to send to UAMS, then I got 2 stitches. It didn't hurt at all.
I've just been so worried. I mean part of my skin is being analyzed for a disease. This is serious. I'm kind of freaking out, but I'm trying to remember that God is in control. He's got this. I'm on the edge just thinking about the worst.
If you get a chance, just say a prayer for the tornado victims and a little one for me too.

Just a random unorganized post of jumbled thoughts

It's amazing all the things that can be accomplished once you get past your self. I've always had so many rules for myself; it was impossible to let myself go. To experience things fully and to be free from worry. Well, I'm working on it.
I've always been paranoid about spending too much money or staining a shirt or messing something up. I'm always so eager to say yes to everyone but myself. I've learned to keep my mouth shut and do what needs to be done. But I'm tired. I'm tired of trying not to feel my feelings. Or overworking myself when no one else seems to care. Maybe I care too much. I don't know.
But then it clicked.
To be selfless means to simply get rid of yourself. I've learned that the more I spend, the more God gives. Once I've given every ounce of everything, that's when God really shines. When I can only rely on him to get through the day; that's when the good stuff happens.
I've also learned that being a Christian doesn't always mean saying yes to everything. You can be a Christian and say no. I have to tell myself this quite frequently. I pour myself into work only to realize that I spent every ounce on someone else. I'm completely empty, and there is nothing left for my sweet husband.
God's grace is more than any of us deserve. He doesn't have a set of rules for us to follow; He gave us freedom. He gave us a CHOICE. And today I'm going to strive to lose myself.