Long time no see!

Sometimes life gets in the way of living. I honestly completely forgot that I even had a blog. I guess after a couple of years, I thought this would have been deleted or something. It's crazy what a difference a few years makes.
I'm going to be 22 in a few months. Also, in a few months I will be celebrating a year of marriage. Poor guy. Haha. I recently lost a dog and gained a puppy. I moved away from home and have been living in the "real" world. Which totally is not as fun as it looks. You can eat chocolate for dinner sometimes and that's pretty cool.
I've started a wonderful job working in the local Emergency Room as a tech. Maybe hopefully soon I will go to nursing school. I'm scared out of my mind to go, but I know it's what God has called me to do. I've been through a lot over theses past few years. It has changed me tremendously. It's made my heart a little harder and made me feel a lot more. Just in general really.
My world crashed upside down a few years ago when my dad left suddenly and my parents got divorced. It really ruined me. I finally had the courage to share it with others only a few months ago. I'll post that story here soon.
That's just a little update. I'll get more in depth a little later.
It's so good to be back.

The Divorce

God's been working in my heart to share my story. I've finally been able to forgive my dad, but I haven't forgotten. Most of you don't know the whole story, but I'm ready to share it.

Summer 2011. My freshman year was finally completed and I had made Dean's honor roll. I was so proud of myself. I was so happy to see my mom and my brother pull up to the dorm and help me move out. I asked how everyone had been. My mom told me in the car on the way back to Springdale that my dad was sick. He was admitted into a mental hospital for being severely depressed. I was shocked, but I knew that he could use the help. He had been distant, tired, and moody for quite some time, years even. I prayed for him earnestly many, many times.

After a few days of being home in Springdale, I left for Camp War Eagle. I was so excited to finally be on staff. I knew that my mom and brother would be okay. I told only a few close friends to be praying for my family. I was hopeful that someday soon my family would be happy and whole again like it was when I was little.

On my first weekend off from Camp, my mom told me that she picked up my dad from the hospital to get some clothes and things. They visited for a little while at home, then she dropped him back off at the front of the hospital. I wasn't able to make it; I hadn't seen my dad since April 8, 2011. I prayed for him a lot and hoped that my family would be back together again soon. I called my mom every few days to catch up and see how they were doing. She was hurting, I know.

On my next weekend off from Camp, my mom and brother came to pick me up. We were catching up on things like normal; Then Tyler's phone rang, and I heard him say, "I haven't told her yet." Of course I freaked out and asked what was going on. My mom said that my dad had been lying. My mom called the hospital to see how my dad was and when he would be back. They had no record of him ever being a patient. He has never been admitted to that hospital. He LIED. My dad was a coward and made up a fake story to get out of being a husband and a father. I was angry. Furious. My dad had left. He was gone. There was nothing I could do to make him stay. I guess I was never good enough. He didn't love me enough to stay. HE DIDN'T LOVE ME. 

My prayers turned from, "help my dad get better," to, "I hope my dad gets hit by a car, and I hope he knows that he just ruined my life." I realized that my dad was a lousy man who abandoned his 20 year old son, 19 year old daughter, and faithful wife of 20 something years. I didn't really spend time with God. I was mad and he knew it. I spent most nights crying myself to sleep, hating every part of myself that looked like him, and cursing the God of the universe. I was HURT. And I was mad.

My weeks at camp were spent being lonely, shutting of the world, and any feeling that wasn't resentment. On weekends off, I didn't get to hang out with friends or go to the movies. I spent it helping pay for rent, gas, food, and other bills. I was doing the things that my dad should be doing. I was the only one working now. I helped provide for my family at 19 years old. My dad never called or sent a text. I sent him hate e-emails every chance I got, even worse on holidays. I smashed most things he gave me, christmas ornaments, burned clothes. You name it. My dad never tried to expalin himself or show his love to his hurting kids. 

Divorce court was hard. He never looked our way. Tyler was brave enough to talk to him, I didn't give him the time of day. I really just wanted to hurt him. I gave him the silent treatment just like he gave me. My parents were now a stastic. They were divorced. I understood that my family was broken long before the divorce, but now it was official. 

My dream of going to Central Baptist College was lost. It was just a dream. My dad lied on his taxes preventing me from getting financial aid. I was uneducated and, in my eyes, a failure. I had always been smart. I knew I could be successful, but I wasn't. Everyone was in college and I was working full time. I hated real life. I wanted to be getting up early to take tests, but instead I was getting up early and working late. I spent my time with the senile and the dying. 

I hated God for tearing my family apart. I thought I desreved every bad thing that happened in my life because my dad didn't think I was worth loving. Every man will always fail you and leave because that's what they do. They'll do anything to get what they want. And then I realized: My dad doesn't care about me. He doesn't hurt like I do. He could care less about me. He's happy. I'm only hurting myself with all this bitterness. I can't control what HE did, but I can control how I RESPOND. I recognized that God never left. I blocked him out. He heard all my prayers, even the ones asking for my dad to suffer, to die, to get hit by a car. He heard them (and to my knowledge, ignored them) but more importantly he heard the cry of my severly broken heart. He knew I wanted to be loved, and he loved me. I learned that God is my father. He won't fail me or leave me. In God's eyes, I was beautiful, smart, and more valuable than any college education. 

God doesn't choose the ones who have it all together to be his disciple, he chooses the messy ones to prove that he is real. He changes lives. He turned my mess into a testimony to proclaim the name of Jesus. I realized that I never deserved God's love, but Jesus made a way for the unworthy a long time ago on the cross. I am a survivor. I know God has a plan for me. And I know that my strength alone won't get me anywhere, but God's strength will. 

Seeking JOY

"This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it." 
-Psalm 118:24


My New Year's resolution was to find joy in every day. Despite my mood, what is out of my control, and any other factors. Every day may not be good, but every day can be made that way. I realized that I can't control what happens to me, but I can change my attitude and how I respond. It is MY choice if a day is going to be good or bad. 
 I decided to make a list of the things that bring me joy or that I enjoy doing. This is just a list of a few things. I could go on forever. 


Dogs, bright colored buttons, journaling, good conversation, cheese, friends, soft blankets, smiles, Harold, warm socks, antiques, good quotes, anything German, a good book, walks, the sun, learning, cuddling, bear hugs (or any hugs really), back massages/rub/scratches, garlic, family, trees, poetry, compliments, handmade/handwritten things, art, heart to heart conversations, loving on someone, apologies, boat rides, dancing in the car/in my room, mail, surprises, fishing, puns/corny jokes, discovering new homophones, stargazing, watching animals, creeks/streams/rivers/lakes/ponds, happy children, seeing people in love, hearing someone pray, seeing someone help someone else, knowing people love me, helping someone, dog kisses, writing people notes, realizing how blessed I am, learning about someones life, hearing stories, flowers, mountains, fall, being warm, Dr. Pepper, traveling, swimming, laughing, kisses, bike rides, hiking, hearing someone else laugh, perfume and things that smell good, flying kites, the color yellow, beds, unique things, beautiful sunsets/sunrises, afternoon naps, friends, and YOU.

Forgiveness

"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
-Colossians 3:13


This verse is so hard to do. It's makes me think about perspective. It doesn't just involve yourself, it involves others. Sometimes it's hard to see things from other people's perspective. Often there is something you don't know about the person that makes them see things the way they do. People have a lot more going on then they tend to let on. 
I found 2 awesome definitions of bear. The first one is: to endure something with tolerance and patience. We should be patient with one another. That takes a lot in itself. Even if they're annoying or you're in a bad mood, or they've done you wrong. Be patient. 
The second definition is: to hold in the conscious mind or in one's feelings. So not only are you being patient with others, you're thinking about them and their feelings. You're taking their feelings into consideration. You have empathy. 
Forgiveness is always tough. It doesn't matter if you're wrong or right, you must forgive. If you hold a grudge against someone, it's tough to move on. Why would we be unforgiving when we serve the most forgiving and loving creator ever? The act of forgiveness is a huge aspect of faith. Our whole being is based upon forgiveness of sins. Our forgiveness is at the cross. That's also where we should leave our grudges. 
We are forgiven a million times a day. That thing you just said? Forgiven. That thought you just thought? Forgiven. That person you just judged? Forgiven. It's endless. EVERYTHING we have done and will do is forgiven. And we must forgive like God forgives us. So we must forgive everything because he did. It'll hurt and it will be hard, it may even seem that they weren't deserving of it. But guess what? We weren't deserving of forgiveness either. 
Take time and forgive someone. It gives peace. It's shows Christ's love. Let's show it. Lets be a light. Forgive and love. 

Gratitude

"Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee. As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy met him. They stood at a distance and called out in a loud voice, “Jesus, Master, have pity on us!”

 When he saw them, he said, “Go, show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went, they were cleansed.

 One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan.

 Jesus asked, “Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?” Then he said to him, “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.”

-Luke 17:11-19

Trusting in God is scary. But once you fully rely on Him, he will do great things. These lepers were away from their friends, family, even their town. They had no one. Nobody wanted to be near them. They were covered in boils and sores. They could not return back home until their disease was gone. Then the Priest had to give them permission. These guys were outcasts.

They were all alone it seemed. Time had not healed their disease, but surely Jesus could. They called on him. They had faith in him. They trusted that whatever he said was the best choice. Jesus told them to go and the went. That in itself is awesome. If Jesus told me to go right now, I would ask, "Where? Why? How? But what about...?" I would not just simply go. But these men had faith.

Jesus told them to go to the Priest & they started on their way. Probably confused out of their minds. It had been forever since they had been in town. Not to mention they were going to the Priest. He could let them back in or he could tell them to leave. On the walk to see the Priest, they noticed that they were healed! How cool is that? Nothing cured them, but after talking to Jesus they were healed. What a miracle!

But ONE of the TEN came back to thank God. It probably didn't take him that long. He probably ran. He "threw himself at Jesus' feet and thanked him." He was so grateful. He was so thankful for what Jesus had done. He had his life back. And because of his faith, he was cured.

But what of the other NINE? They were probably pretty excited, too. But the one who healed them was not on their mind. They were happy to be healed again and get back to their old life. After all Jesus had done, not even a simple, "thank you." That would suffice. 

What has God done for you? What are you thankful for? Are you the one man who ran all the way back to thank the man who gave you your life back? Or are you the nine other men who simply went back without a thank you? Thank God. He has done so much for you. Run to him full of excitement. 

POWER

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord."
-Psalm 40:1-3


This verse is conveying God's power. He can do anything. He can save you from anything. 


Waiting. It's really hard to wait, but God comes when the time is best. You might find now the best, but sometimes that's not the case. When you wait patiently, you will see God. He can hear your cries and prayers.


You might think you're in a hole far too deep to get out of, but God can get you out. He can lift you out, "of the pit of despair, out of the mud and mire." All that dirty sin you've found yourself in, yeah, God can get you out of that.

Once he has lifted you out of that pit, he will set your, "feet on solid ground." He'll put you back in a good place. He won't just set you there on that solid ground, but he will steady you as you walk along. He will guide you until he feels you're ready to go along. 


After this pit you've been through is gone, God will give you joy. You made it out of this thing you never thought you could get out of. You will rejoice because he has saved you (probably for the 1000th time). You will be overjoyed that God has saved you despite what you have done. You are forgiven and you now have a new start.


If you tell others about this thing God has done to save you, they will be amazed. This could also help you share Christ. It could give others hope. 


The Lord can get you through anything. He is powerful and all mighty. You might find something impossible to get out of, but God can get you through it. It may take some waiting, but He will be there.

“One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.” 

― Paulo Coelho

humble yourselves

"He must become greater; I must become less."

-John 3:30

This verse gets me every time. It encompasses the selflessness we must have. We always give ourselves the credit. We want to be recognized. We want people to compliment us. We want to be noticed. We want people to like us.

Well, that's not how it works.

Everything we do should be for God's glory. HIS GLORY not ours. It's so hard to be okay without being noticed or complimented. Sure, we can accept the compliments, but we must realize that it's credit for God. He made us. He made the world. Creator of the universe, all that cool stuff. He deserves the credit. He deserves everything.

It's so easy to be prideful and strive for self-gratification because that's what the world tells us to do. Well, that's not what God tells us to do. We're not of this world (Romans 12:2). We're supposed to be different. That's tough, but eternal glory is way better than having people on Earth think we're cool. 

Becoming less is tough. It's giving up a lot of things. Giving up selfishness, striving to be perfect, trying to get credit, etc. It's about humbling yourself before God. It's about knowing that he is in control. That he ultimately deserves glory. He uses us. We owe him everything because he gave up everything to him. Once we live for him, we get to live with him. How cool is that?

"If thou desire the love of God and man, be humble; for the proud heart, as it loves none but itself, so it is believed of none but by itself; the voice of humility is God's music, and the silence of humility is God's rhetoric. Humility enforces where neither virtue nor strength can prevail nor reason."

— Francis Quarles

"Humility is royalty without a crown."

— Spencer W. Kimball